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  No Subject
by: messiah, 20-04-2010 02:28 AM (#1)

"What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing ash.
Smile
 
it's only a game !!!!!!!!!!!
messiah



Posts: 64
Joined: 12.03.08
Location: e.k

RE: No Subject
by: catman, 20-04-2010 07:07 AM (#2)

MEN AND WOMEN

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.


If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.


When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..

MONEY
A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs.


A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..


The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.


Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.


A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..


Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.


A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it ... And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
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catman
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Posts: 24
Joined: 17.01.08
Location: Edinburgh

RE: No Subject
by: catman, 20-04-2010 07:08 AM (#3)

Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
He continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'
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catman
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Posts: 24
Joined: 17.01.08
Location: Edinburgh

RE: No Subject
by: catman, 20-04-2010 07:09 AM (#4)

A LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A CALIFORNIA Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from DALLAS when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?
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catman
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Posts: 24
Joined: 17.01.08
Location: Edinburgh

RE: No Subject
by: catman, 20-04-2010 07:10 AM (#5)

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.



Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'




The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
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catman
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Posts: 24
Joined: 17.01.08
Location: Edinburgh

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